We just got back from a week-long vacation to Kauai. It was amazing! We had a relaxing time and I am now at home feeling restored and recharged. My understanding is that this is what vacations are supposed to do, and if that is true for you, I am so happy for you! But, honestly, it is not the way that vacations have historically made me feel. We went on vacation to the exact spot we went on vacation 3 years ago, but the experience was completely different.

In the past a vacation was a bright spot among a lot of stress and overwhelm that was the thing to look forward to, the milestone on my calendar that I just had to white-knuckle my way to. If I could just make it there, things would get a bit better. The weeks leading up to the vacation were even more work than usual to get ready for said vacation. There is the normal getting ready to go on vacation: pack, wrap up household tasks, and figure out meals that would use up what was in the fridge. There was also the getting ready to leave that was basically do all of the work I would have done during that week off in advance of the vacation, because the week’s worth of work did not disappear just because I wasn’t there.

Once I over worked my already burned-out self to get to vacation, it wasn’t the magical instantaneously relaxing and worry-free experience that I had been dreaming of. What I can see and appreciate so clearly now, but had zero concept of at the time, was that all of that exhaustion and stress did not evaporate the moment the plane touched down, I was carrying it all around with me. I was only packing a carry on, but I was bringing a lot of baggage! As soon as the time off from work began, it was like a countdown clock started in my brain and its bright light was flashing exactly how much time I had left until I had to be back to work.

While vacation was more pleasant than work and it is always such a privilege to be able to take time off and to travel, the existing stress and exhaustion, and the blaring countdown clock did not create the relaxing experience I had hoped for. After a few days, I would start to unwind, but by that point, the vacation was getting close to the end and the countdown clock got bigger, brighter, and the flashing got faster, how could I take a break knowing that the end was looming. When I would get back, I immediately felt behind. The household tasks hadn’t been managed for a week and in spite of working so hard to pre-do the week of work before I left, a full week’s worth of emails, tasks, concerns, and changes still happened, so I was in a new week of extra work to do on top of the regular work that had already felt like much too much. Was the week of feeling ok on vacation worth the pre- and post-vacation work and stress? Maybe just not take a vacation because it didn’t seem worth it? But, could I make it through the next months of work if there wasn’t that week on my calendar to focus on and convince myself “I just need to get through until then?” I truly hope this experience does not resonate, but I share in case it does.

I am so happy to report that 3 years after one of those vacations, being in the exact same place was an entirely different vacation! I wasn’t stressed before going, I had physical energy to do things on the trip and also felt relaxed, I had the mental capacity to be curious and explore, I had such a great time that I would have actually loved to stay a bit longer instead of feeling like I just needed to get home because the feelings of impending doom and things hainging over my head, I was able to just play and have fun (one of the skills that has personally been the most challenging for me to cultivate), and I returned feeling recharged and as though I had more capacity than when I left. The trip was wonderful, and the experience of it was just fantastic and such a welcome shift.

I wish I was unique in these feelings, but based on conversations with lots of folks, I am not. Some things that I have learned over the last few years.

I couldn’t vacation my way out of burnout.
The strategy that had served me so well for decades in school/residency of once I finish this study session or paper/this quarter or semester/this degree program, then I can have a break/rest, is not a sustainable strategy for life after school/training.
I need time and space to process and recover from overwork/stress, there are always periods of too much going on and pushing, but to get through those I am borrowing from my reserves and my future self. I need to pay myself back and replenish my reserves to make that sustainable, otherwise I will be deplete my reserves and hit my borrowing limit. There is a cost, and at some point the bill comes due. I have to factor that in, and also be intentional about what is actually worth the cost.

Are vacations relaxing?